Hah..I’m an IDIOT…a FOOL and i need to get on with my life…forget all the bright sparky thingy…guess i was just self delusional among other things yah…i have seriously no patience for ppl who play games nowadays..its all about me, the ppl who are real around me and the others who care….the rest of those who aren’t serious enough, either as friends or others…take a long walk down a short pier….
Looking back..its been a year since my last post….things have changed a bit i guess…here i am..a lot more jaded…a bit older…more calm and composed in a way? more level headed as well…looks like road dosen’t end so easily…so many deceptions and backstabbing along the course of the year…and so many re-examinations of the word “friend” and walks along the endless fields of grey…sigh..its tiring in its own way…and i can’t say it does wonders for the soul…but…thats the way things must be. On the brighter side of things…important ppl who truly treasure me have stayed and others have appeared along the way as well..although i wish i have more time with them all..i must say that the greatest regret is not having enough time to spend getting to know that bright spark who suddenly appeared in my life on that fateful wedding briefing day…its going to be a long long lonely year in italy..
Work is tiring, especially if ur engaged for over 12 hours per day…but guess its all doing me a lot of good since i seldom have time to think about little else but work nowadays…designing, taking photographs, creating, designing, taking photographs, creating….hanging out with friends every now and then….life is not bad in this linear way…there will come a time soon when i will break out but otherwise its nice to have the sketchy routine back in ur life for a while…
I think this is it. A point when it all comes apart. when family ceases to understand, when a close friend betrays and the person u love cannot be bothered. A point where i’ve actually considered ending it all in a very sober and sane state of mind. This is an all new low. Where it dosen’t really spike anymore but rather life just hugs the bottom and just moves along. Sure, I have great friends, but well..not like i dun appreciate u guys, but the battle is still mine to fight, and i know all u guys will stand by me through it all. But sometimes the demons in my mind are just too many for me to fight anymore, I’m really really tired and all i want is to be at peace now….I think i just need to wander the world for a while…and enjoy watever little pleasures i have left…..
What a nite…totally pissed drunk, left with a very very vague and fragmented memory of wat happened…sorry guys for being out of control…thats y i’ve been off drinking for the longest time and thats y i’m still going to be off drinking for an even longer time…heard from jeffery that i was raving like a madman and i can recall some portions of it….sorry for scaring u guys as well…i dun have a habit of letting things out but when i’m drunk, guess all the safeties are off…..still…it was a great birthday celebration before i started puking…many special thanks to everyone who turned up…and of course..even many more thanks for being there for me, taking care of me and sending me home…A person couldn’t ask for better friends honestly and u guys are the best….
I think i’ve looked and seen better days…everyone keeps telling me that i look seriously down/tired/shrunk….and i do feel the weight of all i’ve had to bear…i think its a time to move on, regardless of fault, blame, ego, love. Now that its all almost settled and i think it’ll be nice to slowly recover..if i do that is….looking at it now…looks like itll take me a fairly long time to get back to being the old me. I can already feel the walls of silence building around me, the cold lonliness starting to encircle my being until i get numb to it and feel comfy within its dark reaches…despair and depresion are just within a hair breadths away everyday and i have to fight a constant battle to to not stray over and give in. I think i’ll be fine..but this is only here and now…who knows wat else life has in store for me?
Some days i wish for war, when the anger and bitterness in my heart threatens to engulf me and drown out all that i hold dear in life, some days i wish for death, when the darkness in my heart promises a time of peace and rest beyond all others can offer, some days i wish for care, when those whom i wished cared about me, really gave a damn, other days i wish to be alone, to nurse the wounds that life so greviously inflicted upon me..but in the end i wish for good health and good fortune to those who really cared and kept me going when it counted most, here’s to u my best of friends, god sis and all….may u have all u want and better days ahead….
Here I am again….thinking, doing, thinking and doing and finally writing….i think i’ve come to another full circle..although its a smaller circle but a circle still..more clarity then before…more direction and focus the a bit back..u could say that i’ve found a balance point between the old and new me….akthough it seems to be a bit more of the old me now…nothing wrong with that i guess…..confort zones not withstanding and archievements in the past..the time will come when i will have to push on to move past that next spot on the horizon….wonder how it will go..as always….
It can’t get any lower…the shell is cracked…all thats left is to rebuild…everything i guess….time to wipe the slate clean and clean up my act…and the mess that has been building up over all this time….confidence, discipline, resilience…having some but yet not enough…when will there ever be enough?..will i ever be the same again? Life has a way of signalling to u that ur making a wrong turn if u look hard enough…
